With the benefit of hindsight, Candace Rollins* now sees the red flags of intimate partner violence (IPV) in her marriage. “The belittling comments that put me in my place — more and more over time, not letting me have friends over, driving a wedge between me and my family,” explains Rollins, a mother of three in Virginia. “I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I kept on keeping on.
What do you do? You finish dinner. You get the kids in the bath.”The night Rollins left her husband, he knew what she was planning. “He had his hand on the gun in his holster and he threatened me,” says Rollins. “I remember trying to be strong and saying to my daughter, ‘What is happening now should never happen.’”Rollins is focused now on trying to heal and cut herself some slack.
Getting an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood has been an illuminating part of her journey. “It explains everything,” she says. “How self-critical I was, never feeling good enough, always feeling like, ‘Why can’t I just get it right?’ I think, in hindsight, I wouldn’t have chosen who I chose to marry if I’d known I had ADHD.”IPV can include physical, sexual, and/or psychological abuse executed by a current or former partner.
It does not discriminate, and can affect people of any gender, race, socioeconomic status, or level of education, explains psychologist Tami Sullivan, Ph.D., director of Family Violence Research and Programs and professor at Yale University’s School of Medicine.